I’m not really a crier. I mostly cried out of frustration when I was younger (striking out AGAIN, and AGAIN). And sure, I do that horribly attractive convulsive sobbing thing every time Captain Miller empties his entire handgun at the German tank wheeling over the bridge just as the air strike hits, and every time Rose dies in her sleep and meets back up with Jack in the dining hall of the Titanic. But I think most of you would agree that I’m not overly emotional or easy to bring to tears. Yet, I cried a lot yesterday. Crying jags used to make me feel better but lately, since I took this job, that really hasn’t been the case. I don’t want you to be reading this and get super worried. I promise I’m stable and I deep down love this place. Please remember that this blog is a resource for me to reflect on my time in AmeriCorps, and that this is not a desperate cry for help or attention. But it’s become easier and easier for my emotions to manifest as tears in the last three weeks, and I think it ties directly to being so tired all the time. Sometimes the weariness slams like a punch; all the impotent worry and the struggle to say the right things, the pressure of someone else’s well-being depending, even if only temporarily, on my ability not to mess up. I wonder if this is a little bit like what it is to be a parent. Except instead of a helpless infant I’ve got 9 sometimes-helpless 18-24 year olds.
Here’s a breakdown of why yesterday was so difficult:
Tears the First: I woke up feeling okay. I ate a little too much the day before because my stomach and intestines were feeling good and I got too confident and took advantage of feeling good. So I was thinking yesterday might be rough, but I went to PT and did my kickboxing routine and everything was fine. Then I ate breakfast, and things took a quick turn. I haven’t described it overmuch online since it began, but a quick overview being that I’ve been having increasingly troublesome stomach/intestinal issues since I started TLT. Despite testing and four visits to the doctor, no one has been able to tell me why it is happening or how to fix it. Fast forward to yesterday, and me taking another sick day because the cramping and bathroom visits were way too frequent to attempt any lengthy trainings. I was reduced to tears in the doctors office waiting room after another doctor advised me to “stay hydrated” and follow up in 3-4 days if the problem hasn’t abated. Yeah, tried that. Thank you.
Tears the Second: Our team time at Camp Mendocino from Monday to Wednesday was for the most part a success. The 4 hour road trip was tolerable thanks to some clutch DJ work by one of my CMs (I also need to get used to being crammed in a full van again!), the food was good if not a little heavy on the carbs, the weather wasn’t perfect but I’ve missed the rain and can’t really complain about mid-50s. The hiccup came right as our team was starting our time on the low ropes area. One of my CMs received terrible news from home, and I helped her pack her things and get her sent back to campus so she could catch a flight back home as soon as possible. She may or may not return to the program. I got a call from her yesterday and her description of the circumstances had me overwhelmed.
Tears the Third: One of my fellow TLs has been having a really difficult time here due to a bunch of personal things, and I can’t help empathy.
Tears the Final: Mom sent me a care package, and isn’t it just appropriate that I received it at the end of this kind of day. Thanks for the pumpkin bread, mom! I had a fun time explaining it to the people who saw me carrying it back to my room.
Today already feels like it will be a better day. For one, I got to sleep in a couple hours later than usual, and for two, I had toast with Nutella on bright orange bread this morning. It’s the little things that keep the world spinning madly on.
let us cross over the river, 